The Drunken Text Appreciation Society

This group is dedicated to all those who feel it necessary to send unnecessary and highly embarrassing drunken texts in the wee small hours. We all do it, please feel no shame!

PLEASE CONTRIBUTE YOUR BEST AND WORST TO THE WALL & DISCUSSION BOARD!!!

The Eleven Types of Drunken Texts

1) The “fishing” text.

This text is normally along the lines of: “So wot u up 2 later?” or “U out tonight?”, or simply “Oceana?”
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
“Im drunk, horny and haven’t pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? “
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)

The main determinates of a successful “fishing” text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.

A “fishing” text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don’t do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting “No” after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.

2) Predictive “Cock-ups”

The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

Some favourites:

“Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve.” (queue)

“wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now” (c*nt)

“Ready and raping to go!” (raring)

The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

”fancy gettin food in the crown?”

It was inevitably written as:

”fancy gettin done in the brown?”

“Can’t wait to be licking your puppy” (pussy)

“Fancy a dual?” (f*ck)

Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:

“Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a “dual”. Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!”

“It’s ok, no hurry, I’ve got aids” (ages)

“Gassy new year!!!” (happy)

“come on over… I have wind” (wine)

My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:

“I can’t wait to have a go on all the sheep!” (rides)

“Put your coal into my puppy” (cock & pussy)

I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
“Wife open, definitely not sleeping!” Was his reply! (wide)

Whilst preparing for a play:
“Have you got the rapist ready yet” (script)

“Spank me when u get here” (Prank)

What You Have to Believe to be a Republican Today

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan met him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense.

A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

How To Stay Classy: Things I Learned From Ron Burgundy

.:If you have many leather-bound books and your apartment smells of rich mahogany, you are kind of a big deal. If you are kind of a big deal, let people know about it:.
.:You aren’t co-workers. You are co-people:.
.:If you look good, make sure everyone comes and sees how good you look:.
.:Women don’t belong in the workplace. Their menstruation attracts bears. That puts everyone in jeopardy:.
.:Make sure you have suits so fine they make Sinatra look like a hobo. A voice that makes a wolverine purr wouldn’t hurt either:.
.:Littering just leads to pain:.
.:Looking at objects in the room does not mean you love them:.
.:Jumping straight up into a bear pit is a decision you will immediately regret:.
.:Dont allow Audrey do your makeup. You will have bags under your eyes and look like hell:.
.:San Diego was not discovered in 1904, and does not mean a whale’s vagina in German. There’s no way that’s correct:.
.:If you want to bag a classy lady, just give her two tickets to the gun show:.
.:You may not always be able to shout something from the top of a mountain, so a news room and a camera will also do:.
.:If you kill a man with a trident, you might want lay low for a little while:.
.:The best way to express your inner anguish is through the majesty of song:.
.:It’s not love if you don’t even know her name…that’s off to a bad start:.
.:Losing both your arms can be pretty ri-goddamn-diculous:.
.:Never go soft like some schoolboy bitch:.
.:The worst way to get a girl is to tell her you want to be on her:.
.:Incidentally, the best way is to play the jazz flute:.
.:Listen to your dog, he’s wise like a miniature Buddha with hair. Even if he does speak Spanish:.
.:I don’t care if you want to take her out for a nice seafood dinner, leave the mothers out of it:.
.:Don’t mess with Jack Johnson or Tom O’Leary:.
.:Nuns don’t watch German Pornography. Period:.
.:It’s okay to miss work if you are in a glass case of emotion:.
.:Don’t let the guy who can’t think give you directions. He’ll lead you straight into a bilingual bloodfest. Fantastic!:.
.:Never ever even consider buying your suit at the toliet store:.
.:Don’t arbitrarily use a saying, especially if you have no idea what it means. i.e., When In Rome, Do As The Romans Do:.
.:If you want to get invited to Ron’s Family Band touring the countryside, never insult his woman:.
.:Leave the hair and face out of it:.
.:If you suddenly find yourself with a huge public erection, don’t worry about it. It is probably just the cut of the trousers. You can always just take it back to the pants store:.
.:Don’t hold that celebrity golf tournament again. Too many people died last year:.
.:Don’t check the dictionary for your name:.
.:The very best way to summon your friends is by conch shell:.
.:If it has bits of real panther, you know it’s good:.
.:On a hot day, milk is always a bad choice:.
.:Don’t ditch your friends’ monthly pancake breakfast for some new fad called yogging. I don’t care how wild running for an extended period of time may be:.
.:Fiberglass insulation is not cotton candy, no matter what that guy says…and your tummy will itch:.
.:Diversity is not an old, old wooden ship used in the civil war era:.
.:Telling your beloved city to go fuck itself is never in your best interests:.
.:It really can get worse than that time the raccoon got into the copier:.
.:Desire never smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food…not even to some people:.
.:If you go to a crazy party, you might end up with a hangover, in a screaming Japanese family’s rec room, or with a big red candle inside you:.
.:It is Anchorman, not Anchorlady, and that is a scientific fact:.
.:Keep your head on a swivel when you are in a vicious cock fight:.